A Taste of Freedom
This past summer the United States witnessed the finalization of the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT), legislation which prohibited gay and lesbian citizens from serving openly in the United States military since 1993. It was a monumental shift in the continuous struggle for the equal rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered Americans. However, with the end of one battle, another conflict is on its way to the forefront of America’s hot button political issues – the fight against unequal marriage.
With the necessary support, the resolution might seem quite simple – to pass LGBT inclusive legislation at the state or national level. However, a bill or amendment will not put the issue to rest entirely. For 28,500 known couples, marriage is not as easy as gathering in the city hall of a legalized state and placing a ring on each other’s finger. For those with foreign born partners, the issue at hand is much more complex – an innate struggle toward a legal recognition and citizenship.
The hardships are all too familiar for Rick Hess and his partner Gonzalo Azcona. The couple has been living apart for two years due to the unsteady climate for same-sex binational relationships in the United States.
Hess, 54, grew up on a farm in a very conservative Mennonite family and community in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. As a 10th generation American, he has always had a profound curiosity for international exploration – so one shouldn’t be surprised to find out that the man of his dreams dawns from Cordoba, a province of Central Argentina, Northwest of Buenos Aires. While working as a Senior Vice President at Oracle Corporation, a major technology multinational, Hess lived in both Europe and Asia for over five years. In Europe he met a Swiss gentleman with whom he developed a strong relationship that lasted nearly 11 years. They faced significant immigrations hardships and even hired a lawyer to take on their case. However, in 2003 their unsurpassable conflict with the U.S. immigrations system were too much for Hess and his Swiss partner to bear and they called it quits.
Gonzalo Azcona, 31, is currently living in Buenos Aires, Argentina – the country’s capital. Azcona studied Industrial Engineering for five years while working for his family’s business – a company which specializes in the manufacturing of rubber soles for shoes. In 2007 Azcona had a change of heart and decided to take his career in a new direction by beginning to study Industrial Design. Through it all, he dated an Argentine lawyer for three and a half years, ending the relationship peacefully out of settled differences.
In 2007, although they had not yet met, Hess and Azcona shared similar states of mind. Hess was working on transitioning from full-time executive employment to investing, working in the non-profit world, and enjoying life in a more relaxed manner. Azcona was working a stressful job, as head of finance and administration of his family’s business. Hess and Azcona desired happier, more fulfilling lives. They found their solace on a website designed for mature men interested in meeting young bachelors all over the world, and vice-versa. Although they were unaware of it at the time, this aboriginal, low-budget website would soon go above and beyond and grant them their gold.
In January, 2008, Rick was exploring the site when he came across Gonzalo’s profile. A simple ‘nice pic and profile’ by Hess was enough to spark up a conversation between the two. “We started ‘camming’ and chatting regularly,” Hess said. “We also started speaking by phone.” Only one month later, in February the couple decided to meet for the first time in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Azcona recalls feeling anxious about meeting his international lover, but as he was in Rio vacationing with friends, he set his expectations low for their first encounter. “I never expected anything to come out of [our meeting], I just wanted to talk with him,” he said. Hess, on the other hand was optimistic – after all, he did travel over 6,000 miles to meet him after only one month. When the two met the chemistry was charismatic. “It was one of those rare encounters – love at first sight,” Hess said.
In Rio, Hess also met Azcona’s friends for the first time. “Rick is very outgoing. He likes to talk and he is friendly,” Azcona said when asked about his friends’ perception of his newfound companion. Although they loved Hess, Azcona’s friends were initially concerned. “They were telling me, ‘what are you going to do? He is going to be in the U.S. and you are here,” he recalled. But, upon meeting Rick, Azcona had made up his mind. The distance was never a question for him. “From the very beginning, I told my friends that I wanted to be with him, so they encouraged me to fight for it,” he said.
The next four years would forever change their lives. With multiple trips between Argentina and the United States, the nearly 6,500 miles that separated the couple were virtually non-binding. At the start, Azcona began visiting the States on a regular basis – his first trip in 2008. “I visited the U.S. for 3 months in 2008, for six months and then nine in 2009,” he said. In the States their relationship blossomed. Hess refers to this time as their ‘honeymoon’ stage. “I took him all over the country. I could show him our California residences. We went to Washington, DC for the first time, Pennsylvania and New York, to sporting events” Throughout their time together in the United States, Hess and Azcona, along with Maggie and Emma – their two Bernese Mountain dogs (which they refer to as ‘the girls’), had become a family. They own two properties in California, share mutual friends and have integrated with each others’ loved ones.
Hess, Azcona and the Girls enjoy a day together at Lake Tahoe
The couple lived together for the majority of the first two years of their relationship; however, December 2009 saw a radical shift in their situation. Azcona had arrived in Miami, Florida and was going through U.S. Customs and Border Protection when an immigration agent pulled him aside into an interrogation room for questioning. “He was questioning me about everything,” Azcona remembered. “He asked why I had come to the U.S. for three fourths of the previous year. He asked what I was doing there and whether I was living and working in the U.S. or in Argentina. He then began to go through my luggage.” Becoming detained at the border is the worst nightmare for any binational couple. According to the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, Customs and Border Protection agents reserve the right to hand search baggage and even seize laptops, cameras, cellular phones and other digital devices without suspicion.
Azcona was terrified throughout the entirety of his interrogation. Afterward he called Hess to tell him what had happened. “I said to him, ‘we need to figure out how we’re going to do this because this is the last time I’m coming here without a plan.” Hess looks back on his partner’s experience with both regret and understanding. “When he called me he was so upset,” he said. “I was angry. I just wanted to go down there and give these guys some shit, but in hindsight I understand that they were just doing their job.” Customs stamped Azcona’s passport for 7 February 2010 and told him he had one day of leeway to leave the country. He hasn’t been back since. “That was the first taste of reality,” Hess said. “I remember thinking to myself, ‘we’re going to have a struggle here.”
Since then Hess has traveled to Argentina several times and has even looked into multiple business opportunities in the country. As a non-Spanish speaker, Hess has had some difficulty adjusting to the new culture, but overall he has had a wonderful experience and has come to know Gonzalo’s family very well. “Despite our age difference, his family has accepted me as one of their own,” Hess said.
When they are apart, technology helps to minimize the distance between the pair. Whether it’s via Skype, Facebook, telephone or e-mail – Hess and Azcona always remain in contact. “We write each other e-mail every morning and we speak by phone before bed at night,” Azcona said. “Without technology, we’d struggle to be together.” Hess and Azcona are by no means perfect. The distance has contributed to problems to their relationship. “Sometimes you feel really sad for something – anything – and you don’t have your partner there,” Azcona said. “Sometimes you need someone – I mean, you need HIM to be there to comfort you.” The two assert that their problems are not insurmountable. Physically or electronically, the most important thing for both Hess and Azcona is to be together. “We go to bed at night by ourselves and we wake up lonely,” Azcona said. “We both know that we must be together.”
Unlike heterosexual binational couples, marriage is not a feasible solution for Hess and Azcona. “As an American man, if I had met an international woman, we would get married and she would receive an immediate green card,” Hess said. Unfortunately, the Gay and Lesbian Advocates and Defenders (GLAD) association, a New England based organization which fights for LGBT legal rights, advises same-sex binational couples to refrain from legally marrying. “Foreign nationals should not marry without consulting an experienced immigration attorney. Marrying your partner will not help fix immigration problems. In fact, marrying your same-sex partner or applying for a change in immigration status based on a marriage to a same sex partner could lead to deportation or future denials of visa applications,” an advisory from the organization said. To some, however, the tide is beginning to change. Martha McDevitt-Pugh, founding member of Love Exiles – an international community of binational American citizens living abroad, in exile with their foreign born partners – and longtime friend of Hess’, believes binational couples should not remain silent. “Binational couples do need to be aware of the risks and make their own assessment,” she said. “For those of us living outside the USA, we would be denying ourselves basic human rights if we refused to marry out of fear of what could happen.”
Marriage equality in the States will do practically nothing for same-sex binational couples until the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) is repealed in Congress. Section three of DOMA prohibits U.S. natives from sponsoring their foreign born partners for green cards. However, advances are being made to rid the States of this anti-gay policy. In February, 2011 the Obama administration declared DOMA unconstitutional and ordered the U.S. Department of Justice to stop defending the legislation in court. Despite this ruling, binational couples are still being deported. United States Senator Diane Feinstein has introduced The Respect for Marriage Act, legislation that would repeal DOMA, and on 10 November the U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee voted 10-8 to approve her bill for debate. “One of our biggest problems is the world’s limited awareness of what’s up against us legally,” Hess said. “I can’t even begin to tell you how many of our friends have told us, ‘Why don’t you just get married in New York, Massachusetts, or another state which marries same-sex couples?” The harsh truth is that there are only 20 countries in the world that acknowledge same-sex partners for immigration purposes. Unfortunately for Hess and Azcona, the United States is not one of those countries.
Hess has been active in ensuring a better future for himself and other same-sex binational couples. In 2008 Hess was a major donor and fundraiser for the Obama campaign, and he has spoken to the President about his situation with Azcona. Hess has also met with the U.S. Ambassador to Argentina, Senator Feinstein and John Davidson, a highly experienced lawyer and representative from Lambda Legal – an LGBT legal rights group.
Although their marital future is uncertain, one thing is for sure – the two are convinced that in the end they will be together. “I’m not afraid to lose him,” Azcona said. “It’s not a question of if I want to be with Rick. It’s a question of how.” The couple has considered several options: 1] Living together Canada, or another country that welcomes binational same-sex couples with open arms. 2] The couple seriously considered Hess’ move to Buenos Aires in 2011, and even took steps toward renting his U.S. properties in order to do so, and 3] They have begun working with immigration lawyers in the States to find the best possible way for Azcona to live in California with Hess and the girls.
Azcona is hesitant to make any move without positive assurance for success. “The last time I went to the States I had no fears,” he said. “I left my job and my apartment, and I didn’t finish at the university. But, now I have to do it all again, and if it fails…” Azcona shrugged his shoulders. Hess is a successful business man and is currently running several companies. Azcona, on the other hand, is still finding his niche. “Rick is in a different part of his life – he has more freedom,” Azcona said. “My point of view is that I need to work hard to build a future so that I can contribute financially to our partnership.” Whatever the two decide, the couple is lucky to have the full support of their families and friends. “Gon & Rick should have the chance to choose what the best place for them to be together to start a family is,” Javier Valez, a friend of Azcona’s said. “I understand that for this purpose, either Argentina or the U.S. would be possible choices, but the most important thing is that they must be able to choose. That choice should be based in their necessities, possibilities, expectations and dreams, not by external variables to their dreams.”
Hess and Azcona are prepared for the fight against the United States’ immigration system. “When you love someone and you want to be with him, you will do anything in your power to be together,” Azcona said with a sheepish smile. This holiday season, while sitting down with your family for a delicious meal – whether it be Christmas dinner, a Karamu feast, a celebration of the end of Hanukkah, or just to appreciate being amongst the ones you admire most – take a moment to remember that not everyone shares this privilege.
Whether they are same-sex binational couples with immigrations restrictions, loved ones serving in our armed forces or parents whose jobs requires them to reside in countries other than their own – there are thousands of families who are forced to remain apart for the holidays. Luckily Hess and Azcona are fortunate enough to spend this year together, but one can only speculate about the future. For now, Hess and Azcona, along with all same-sex binational couples, can only hope for the greatest gift of all – a taste of America’s freedom.
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No one remains quite what he was when he recognizes himself. ~Thomas Mann
